Relationships

It is my opinion that marriage and relationships are somewhat of a fad, disposable if you will. I’m not sure when it happened, but it seems that people today have very little regard for longevity in relationships. Many people enter a relationship with the mindset that if it doesn’t work, they will just move on to the next. This is fine when you are just casually dating, but when you enter into a committed relationship or marriage, there shouldn’t be such an easy out. I know there are instances where two people just cannot get along, and that is understandable, but that can also be prevented by doing your homework. Why would you marry someone you barely know? Have you asked yourself how compatible you are with this person? Check your compatibility on all levels: financial, social, emotional, religious, and political views, and culture. It’s great to fall in love with a persona, but do you know and love the PERSON?

We often see and hear of celebrities who get married after a few days or a few months, then they get divorced shortly after. It’s almost as if there is a competition to see who can get married the most and for the least amount of time. In one other situation, a celebrity was married for around 72 hours. Really? Can we even consider that a marriage?

I have been divorced twice, something I’m not proud of, and in both instances, I fought for my marriage, but one cannot fight alone. It is impossible to have a real relationship if you are not willing to work together when problems arise, and problems WILL arise, after all, we’re all human. The trick is to determine a way to approach and work to resolve problems BEFORE they arise. If you determine that you will both take some time to calm down and get your thoughts together instead of just yelling and arguing when there is a problem, chances are you may be able to reach a resolution much easier. I know that I tend to blow up at situations I am not happy with, so I have learned to step back, assess the situation in my head, and then approach it rationally. Doing this, however, means that I am going to be quiet while I process this. My partner knows that when I’m quiet to just let me be and when I’m ready to talk, I will. That is our understanding. He will not ask me repeatedly what the problem is or to talk to him, because that may make the situation worse, and I know to do the same for him. This is our way of resolving conflict; you have to find what works for you, but the key is to FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS.

I was watching a clip of Real Housewives of Atlanta last night (if you’re not familiar with the show, you’re not missing anything), and Peter and Cynthia, a married couple, were having a disagreement. It started because Cynthia’s sister, who does not get along with Peter, arrived and said she would be staying with them for two months. First of all, Cynthia was supposedly unaware of this, and when she did find out, did not say anything to Peter, who was obviously not happy about the situation. I found a couple of things wrong with this. First, Cynthia needed to stand up to her sister and let her know she cannot just arrive and decide to stay with them for any period of time, whether a day or a month. Secondly, Cynthia should have approached Peter privately to let him know what was going on so they could come to a decision together, not ambush him with the sister in tow to tell him the news. This house belongs to both of them, and her husband’s feelings should come first. I don’t think she understood that. Fast forward a bit, Peter is unhappy, and they begin to argue. Cynthia remains calm, but Peter starts to yell and curse at her.  I have opinions about cursing at your mate, but that will have to be another post. In the end, he walked away from her and nothing was resolved. When I looked at that situation, it could have gone much more smoothly had things been handled differently, mainly Cynthia considering her husband’s feelings and needs prior to accepting the situation. It will not surprise me to see them getting a divorce in the near future.

I used the RHOA example to show that relationships take work, a lot of work, and you have to be willing to put that work in. You also have to be considerate of your partner’s feelings however, especially when making decisions that will affect both of you. If you don’t know your mate well enough to understand what may or may not piss him/her off, then you probably should not be in a relationship with that person. It’s a lot less stressful to take time to learn about the person you are with that to get into a marriage and then end up divorced a few months or years later.

It is my opinion that we should go back to marriage being a sanctified union, one that is ordained by God and should not be taken lightly. We should learn to work to resolve conflicts and become more considerate of each other’s feelings. We need to be less selfish. Marriage is not like test-driving a new car and deciding whether or not you want it. It should be a "'til death do you part" decision, not to be taken lightly. Marriage is not disposable and it should not be treated as such.