Facade?

It is my opinion that… feeling overwhelmed is perfectly normal and natural and most of all OKAY. It is not necessary to be “strong” all the time, and it’s perfectly okay to not want to get out of bed. Strong people sometimes feel weak, but because they are seen as “strong” they are afraid to show the weakness and start to put on a façade. Sometimes having to deal with everyday responsibilities becomes too much and you just want to run away. Sometimes you don’t want to wake up because it’s just too much to bear. It’ okay to feel that way, as long as you don’t act on it.

Many people look at others thinking they have it all together when in fact, they are falling apart inside, but are afraid to let people know that. How can you let others know you aren’t as strong and capable as they make you out to be? How do you let them know you don’t want to be on that pedestal, you don’t want to have all that responsibility? Unfortunately, you don’t let them know and you spiral further into your own feelings of despair and hopelessness. Suicide is a major issue facing many people, especially during the winter months. The “winter blues” are very real, and while most people are strong enough to get over the winter blues, too many don’t, and we end up planning or attending their funeral.

Don’t assume that because that person you’re looking at or having a relationship with is strong so you can hurt or disappoint or break their heart. At some point, it becomes too much and that person will break. It’s not always so easy to just “get over it” and the deeper you get involved in something, the more difficult it is to “get over.” Where do you think all those people featured on the “Snapped” television shows come from?

You sometimes see that single mother who just has everything in order.  Her kids are taken care of, they are well-behaved, she has a nice home and car, and all her bills are paid. She has it all together, or so you think. You don’t know about her insecurities and many fears of not always being able to take care of things, of her kids not appreciating all she does and sacrifices for them. You don’t know that she cries herself to sleep every night because that man she trusted her heart with broke it yet again. You don’t know that she seeks refuge in her job because it’s something to keep her mind busy, because when she’s left to her own thoughts, she is tormented and just wants to die. Yet everyone thinks she has it together, and when those stumbling blocks get in the way, she’s told, “it will be all right, you will get over it,” because she always does. Well what happens when she doesn't get over it, or it’s not all right?

You may see the corporate executive who has all the money in he or she needs, dream job, and all the material comforts of life. You envy their lifestyle and money, but you aren't aware of the pressure they deal with on a daily basis to keep that company in order, to maintain the life they live. You don’t see the kids at home who are drug-addicted or always in trouble with the law, or who just don’t care about their parents because their parents are always too busy making sure the money keeps coming in. You don’t see them sleeping in a separate bed from their spouse. Don’t assume someone who seemingly has everything truly has everything.

Praying doesn't always help, and there are times when you feel like God has deserted you. Those are the times when you need to empty your heart to God and make him listen to you, but you also have to open your heart and mind to HEAR His response. Having those feelings are also perfectly normal. Having those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are okay, as long as they are temporary and you can pull yourself out of it. Everyone has meaning, and everyone is important. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, even if it feels that way at times. The key is to not give up and keep on moving forward.

If you have a strong person in your life, take the time to give him/her a break every now and then. They need it, but won’t ask for it because they are not expected to be overwhelmed. It will be appreciated more than you know, and if you see them going through challenges in life, offer an ear, a shoulder, or just a hug. It will mean the world.

A leopard and its spots

It is my opinion that... the proverbial "leopard" can in fact change its spots. Someone told me that people cannot change because you are intrinsically who you are. A leopard cannot change its spots just like you cannot change the nature of who you are. If you are a gossip or a liar, then that's who you will always be. If you are too trusting you will forever be too trusting of people. I have to respectfully disagree with that viewpoint.
You live your life and you learn from your various experiences, or at least the hope is that you learn from your experiences. For example, if you tend to be a gossip, at some point, that will come back to bite you in the butt. Once that happens, one would hope that the next time you're inclined to spread news about someone, you'll recall the previous repercussions and stop yourself.
If you are someone who is very trusting, and you confide in those you consider your friends, but then you hear your business coming out of someone else's mouth, obviously the person you trusted cannot be trusted. Why confide in that person again?
I know that people are inherently who they are and their characters are pretty much set from the time they are very young, BUT, if you find that who you are isn't working out in your best interests, wouldn't it make sense to change some things about yourself?
When a baby touches the fire and gets burned, that baby stays away from the fire and won't touch it again, because the memory of being burned is there. Why should it be different for adults? True, some people never learn and continue making the same bad decisions over and over, but I don't believe that is true for everyone. Although it may be your nature to be one way, if you are motivated enough, you can make changes. I know that I have changed a lot in just the last few years, and some of those changes are in my character and who I believe I am as a person. I've had to learn several lessons the hard way, and so now instead of getting burned again, I proceed with caution or I walk around the fire. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago, or even two years ago. I've endured a lot and I've learned a lot about myself and people I choose to be around, so yes, I have changed my spots so to speak. It is definitely my opinion that while those spots may not change altogether, they may change definition or simply fade away.

Friends...

It is my opinion that... true friends are truly a gem, and very hard to find. Many people claim to be your friend, but are they really? Are they reliable when you are down and hurt? Do you have your back when you need someone to lean on? Can they be trusted to keep your secrets?
After almost forty years on this earth, I've learned that there isn't really anyone I can truly trust and call a friend. I have many acquaintances, but not too many "friends." I find that my biggest mistake is in thinking that the people I associate with and do the most for would do the same for me in return. As a result of my flawed thinking, I end up hurt and confused too often.
I am the friend who will answer the phone at any time, day or night. I will get in my car and run to you, no questions asked. I will bring you food and provide shelter if necessary, no hesitation, no questions asked. It's really sad that I haven't found the "friend" yet who is willing to do the same for me. I get a lot of excuses and apologies, but not the reliability I give to them. It seems I may have to change who I am to prevent future hurt and heartache. I will stop answering my phone, I will not return text messages, and I will find something more important than you when you need me. It seems only fair, then when it happens to me, I won't be so hurt.

I'm reminded of the TLC song, "What about your friends... Will they stand their ground, will they let you down again? What about your friends? Are they gonna be low down, will they ever be around, or will they turn their backs on you?"

It's sad that it has taken me almost 40 years to realize that I have no friends, and now I will go about my merry way.

Thanks to YouTube for the following:

Parents

It is my opinion that... children deserve to be loved and cared for, regardless of who is loving and caring for them. There is a picture that has gone viral showing a gay male couple with one doing a little girl's hair in the bathroom. Folks are up in arms because these men are gay have have children. First, let me say that I do believe homosexuality is wrong and there is no changing my opinion on that, however, many people are saying that homosexuals are perverts, and such. Really??? Most of the people I see abusing children are heterosexuals. I see a lot of pedophiles and child molesters who are married or in heterosexual relationships. Not sure where homosexual = pervert came to be, but it seems a child is more likely to be molested by a so-called straight male than a gay one.

That said, I do not just look at something and make assumptions. These men have three children, they are pretty well off, so the children don't want for anything. They sleep in separate bedrooms so the children don't know they are a couple (though I think that's a wasted effort, but I digress), and the children's mother also co-parents with them. You can read about them for yourself if you so desire.. http://necolebitchie.com/2014/01/16/photos-of-the-day-meet-kordale-kaleb-a-black-gay-couple-raising-three-beautiful-kids/

Anyway, lots of folks are talking about how wrong it is for these men to have these children, and about gay couples in general raising children. While I have my own opinions about that, as an adoptive parent, I know that adoption is somewhat taboo in the black community, especially among black men. I've heard black men say they aren't raising a child that isn't their "seed." How ignorant, I think. I also know that black children languish in the foster care system, often aging out, and if they don't, bounce from foster home to foster home.

I would much rather a child have loving parents, gay or straight, than no parents at all, and at the end of the day, THEY are gay, not me, and I'm only answering for ME and MY actions on the day of judgement. These children are loved and well cared for. Will they grow up to be gay or straight (this seems to be the overriding concern)? Who the heck knows? But guess what? I don't know any homosexuals who had gay parents either? As far as I know their parents were straight, so apparently your parents' sexual orientation has nothing to do with your own.

As a society we need to figure out what we accept and what we don't, but just because we don't accept or like something doesn't make it wrong for everyone. Black people were the subject of much hate years ago, and are still treated with bigotry to this day by some people. Now we're doing the same thing to gays. How did we go from being human beings to being a label. You're not a person, you're "a gay" or "a black." Come on folks! Basically, tend to your own yard and leave others' alone if it doesn't affect yours. ‪#‎imdone‬

The Adoption Lie

It is my opinion that adoption isn't for everyone, and for the sake of placing children, adoption social workers are liars! 

Many women yearn to be a mother, but it doesn't happen for many. You see your friends having babies and you wonder, "Why not me?" Maybe you finally accept that you won't have your own, but you still want to be a mom, so  you look to adopt. Doesn't seem so bad, does it? You get the kiddies and you don't even have to go through the labor and the pain.

What you aren't told is that the desire to have your own baby never goes away. The way you look at them as they grow and you can't find any of yourself in them. They don't look like you, although they may act like you, it's just not the same. You yearn for the bond that mothers have with their natural born babies, and it just never comes. Then you start to feel resentment because you can't understand why some women can have babies and you can't. You know you'd be an excellent mother, and you see people who throw their babies in the dumpster or leave them for child protective services to deal with. You know you'd never abandon your own babies and you'd never abuse them. In fact you'd give your right arm to make sure they are protected and have everything they need, and you do with the ones you adopted, but you still wish you could have had your own.

Adoption is hard, it is emotionally draining, and it is a thankless job, not much different from when you have your own, so if it's something you are considering, think hard about it, because you'll still want to have your own, and there will be days that you are filled with resentment and regret, even anger. Just pray and have faith that it will get better, and your blessing awaits.

What about your "girlfriends?"

It is my opinion that women need to stop being selfish. I hear the argument all the time about the “unwritten girlfriend code.” Okay, you date someone, it doesn’t work out, your friend hooks up with him later, and they find they are soul mates. They get married and stay together until death. So, the friend should turn him down because it didn’t work out between him and you? Not only is that asinine, but it’s incredibly selfish. You cannot control what the heart wants, and sometimes you fall in love with the person you least expect, and you find that it is the best relationship you ever had. So what if he once dated your friend?

This is something I’ve never understood, but then maybe I’m different. I take issue with a friend fooling around with my current partner, but in that case, that would not be a true friend. I’ve had that happen by the way, and she and I are no longer friends. Had she waited until the time came that we broke up, if we broke up, and pursued him then, that would not be my issue. It didn’t work out with him and ME, and that has nothing to do with how he would interact with her.

In all honesty, if a female friend or relative were to hook up with my ex-husband, and they make each other happy, who am I to begrudge them that happiness? I know why my relationship with the person didn’t work, and I’ll gladly share that if the information is something crucial (he’s an abuser, etc.), otherwise, we just didn’t click, so we went our separate ways. As my friend, if you hook up with him later, maybe you have the missing link that I didn’t, so more power to you. I truly wish women would get over themselves and allow people to be happy, even if it is with someone they have had history with. 

Relationships

It is my opinion that marriage and relationships are somewhat of a fad, disposable if you will. I’m not sure when it happened, but it seems that people today have very little regard for longevity in relationships. Many people enter a relationship with the mindset that if it doesn’t work, they will just move on to the next. This is fine when you are just casually dating, but when you enter into a committed relationship or marriage, there shouldn’t be such an easy out. I know there are instances where two people just cannot get along, and that is understandable, but that can also be prevented by doing your homework. Why would you marry someone you barely know? Have you asked yourself how compatible you are with this person? Check your compatibility on all levels: financial, social, emotional, religious, and political views, and culture. It’s great to fall in love with a persona, but do you know and love the PERSON?

We often see and hear of celebrities who get married after a few days or a few months, then they get divorced shortly after. It’s almost as if there is a competition to see who can get married the most and for the least amount of time. In one other situation, a celebrity was married for around 72 hours. Really? Can we even consider that a marriage?

I have been divorced twice, something I’m not proud of, and in both instances, I fought for my marriage, but one cannot fight alone. It is impossible to have a real relationship if you are not willing to work together when problems arise, and problems WILL arise, after all, we’re all human. The trick is to determine a way to approach and work to resolve problems BEFORE they arise. If you determine that you will both take some time to calm down and get your thoughts together instead of just yelling and arguing when there is a problem, chances are you may be able to reach a resolution much easier. I know that I tend to blow up at situations I am not happy with, so I have learned to step back, assess the situation in my head, and then approach it rationally. Doing this, however, means that I am going to be quiet while I process this. My partner knows that when I’m quiet to just let me be and when I’m ready to talk, I will. That is our understanding. He will not ask me repeatedly what the problem is or to talk to him, because that may make the situation worse, and I know to do the same for him. This is our way of resolving conflict; you have to find what works for you, but the key is to FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS.

I was watching a clip of Real Housewives of Atlanta last night (if you’re not familiar with the show, you’re not missing anything), and Peter and Cynthia, a married couple, were having a disagreement. It started because Cynthia’s sister, who does not get along with Peter, arrived and said she would be staying with them for two months. First of all, Cynthia was supposedly unaware of this, and when she did find out, did not say anything to Peter, who was obviously not happy about the situation. I found a couple of things wrong with this. First, Cynthia needed to stand up to her sister and let her know she cannot just arrive and decide to stay with them for any period of time, whether a day or a month. Secondly, Cynthia should have approached Peter privately to let him know what was going on so they could come to a decision together, not ambush him with the sister in tow to tell him the news. This house belongs to both of them, and her husband’s feelings should come first. I don’t think she understood that. Fast forward a bit, Peter is unhappy, and they begin to argue. Cynthia remains calm, but Peter starts to yell and curse at her.  I have opinions about cursing at your mate, but that will have to be another post. In the end, he walked away from her and nothing was resolved. When I looked at that situation, it could have gone much more smoothly had things been handled differently, mainly Cynthia considering her husband’s feelings and needs prior to accepting the situation. It will not surprise me to see them getting a divorce in the near future.

I used the RHOA example to show that relationships take work, a lot of work, and you have to be willing to put that work in. You also have to be considerate of your partner’s feelings however, especially when making decisions that will affect both of you. If you don’t know your mate well enough to understand what may or may not piss him/her off, then you probably should not be in a relationship with that person. It’s a lot less stressful to take time to learn about the person you are with that to get into a marriage and then end up divorced a few months or years later.

It is my opinion that we should go back to marriage being a sanctified union, one that is ordained by God and should not be taken lightly. We should learn to work to resolve conflicts and become more considerate of each other’s feelings. We need to be less selfish. Marriage is not like test-driving a new car and deciding whether or not you want it. It should be a "'til death do you part" decision, not to be taken lightly. Marriage is not disposable and it should not be treated as such.